The ways in which relationships (both intimate and friendly) have evolved in society is a little bit of an extreme situation to process, but maybe that's just me.
I love the this whole ideal of "YOLO" ("you only live once", for all you non-hipsters out there) but concurrently, I feel like the global shift has moved to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum, and it's a little troubling.
We're all well aware of the crippling divorce rate which functions as a little thunder cloud over the heads of couples considering taking the plunge into holy (or unholy) matrimony, but the divorce rate amoung friends and family isn't all that promising either, and herein the paradox lies!
Our grandparents lived in a society where if something presented itself as being broken, whether it be a physical object or a relationship, you fixed it, and you didn't throw it out unless you absolutely had to. Society has found it's way into treating relationships as physical commodities, items that are present to serve a purpose in tandem with an almost "pre-determined" or at least "predicted" set of circumstances. If the relationship fails to fit perfectly into those preciously envisioned experiences, then our brains are quick to hit the little panic button in our left hemisphere that says "I'm not happy, I need to get out of this, now!"
Given all the options that modern psychology has granted us (who doesn't have a therapist these days?) you'd think that we'd be lining up in droves to fight for our undying love. Here's the other problem, deciding that your love is in fact "undying" much too quickly.
I can no longer count on both hands the number of early twenty year olds I know who just can't wait to have babies, get married, and build houses with "significant" others, not necessarily in that order. Call me cynical, but statistics don't lie, and in five to seven years, I'll have all the ammo in the world to rightfully scream "I TOLD YOU SO!" from the mountain tops. Of course, I'd never do that, it's just mean, it's your life and therefore not my business, and I'm not particularly fond of mountain climbing, either. But really, are we all just THAT frightened of being alone by the time we're thirty, or am I on some drastically opposite wavelength?
Let's have a look at how we form and function within our friendships. There is great, significant value in the statement that your friends shouldn't be measured in quantity but in quality. Having gone through the quams of this particular situation quite a bit in my life (and with full understanding that I will again), I've learned that you will always know in your heart who to trust and stake value in, and who is merely an aquaintence or a short term and casual companion. Don't ever mistake one for the other. This is SO important, because whether it's an intimate relationship or a friendship, the people you give your love, trust, and support to should be deserving of it. Again, I reiterate that the most important thing you can give anybody in this life is your time. If they don't value your time as much as you do, then it's time to pluck some weeds from your garden. Remember, the concept of "time" encompasses love, trust, loyalty.
I may be a little more spiritually stanced (not in a religious sense) than some people would like, but I do place great faith in surrounding yourself with the best people for you. As my friends know, I've slipped up, and more than once at that. The lesson to be learned here is that "my friends" know I've slipped up, and they're still my friends. They supported ME always (not necessarily my bad situations), kicked my ass when I deserved it, and helped bring me back from many a disastrous circumstance, and I've done the same for them, because that's what the job entails!
At the end of the day, know who's going to walk towards someone who hurt you instead of having your back, and don't mistake some alcohol infused good times for a bond. I personally hate the term "bestie", it implies a temporary, tight "friendship" that will eventually fade. Look for your best friends in life, not your besties. Again, this is a process that should take a quite a few years to sort out, just like the process of determining a partner for life. See how they're such similar processes?
Here's where all those slightly less than informed decisions (again, friendly or intimate) compile to form a strong, empircally supported, sociological statistic: Love is a lease, so is friendship. There's such a widely accepted stance that marriage is temporary, that it's beginning to be the foundation of how we enter into one. We, as a society, are spending upwards of 45-60 thousand dollars on a marriage that, in the back of our minds, we're "okay" with settling on the strong possibility of it failing. We're entering into a union that is supposed to be honored until death, under the premise that it probably won't be. Terrifying, both for our wallets and our well being.
Of course, I'm not saying that we should abolish divorce, in a wealth of circumstances, it IS the best choice for the health of both partners, and that's just the nature of our societal beast. I am in total support of happiness and self fulfilment. What I am saying, is that there's something to be said for situations which shouldn't be treated as spontanious whims. A marriage should support the self fulfillments that you've determined for yourself, it should support the philosophies and ideals which you've taken as values in your life and a potential spouse should compliment those ideals in a very deep, and meaningful way. There is so much value in finding yourself, knowing yourself, and loving yourself before you take someone else into that equation for life. Personally, I don't think that's a decision we can make in today's world in our early twenties, and you ALL have a right to disagree with me on that point. But, whether you see yourself taking vows before some "God", or simply vows sworn in spirtual homily to each other, the significance of those vows shouldn't be taken lightly.
As another twenty something lost in these strange societal shifts, I have to admit that there was a very solid period from the age of 17 to almost 22 where I had stricken the possibility of marriage and children from the books, and my friends can attest to my strong opposition to both, but I digress. Lately, whether it's the early tickings of my biological clock, or a restored faith in genuine love and romantics, I feel like opening the window of my soul, just a tiny crack, to the possibility of both...maybe...sometime in 8 years or so. Again, for those of you who know me AND my past relationships, you're probably wondering how I of all people have a "restored" faith in love. Pick your jaw up off the keyboard, and keep reading, because I'm almost done.
That period where the utterence of "marriage" was only comparable to saying "Voldemort" in Hogwarts, was so influenced by the belief that "marriages just don't work" which was in turn fueled by all of the ones that failed largely in part because the people involved just weren't ready or compatible for it.This is both the nature of the statistic AND the fearful example of marriage that we're setting for current and future generations. Remember the days of six or seven year relationships, followed by two year engagements? I'm not suggesting that every relationship is as cookie cutter as that situation, but you get my point.
There's such a loss of respect for relationships in their early stages today, so how can you expect to hold any viable faith in a lifelong one? Intimacy and commitment just don't mean what they used to, and that's why now more than ever we need to be so careful to adjust to this new reality by making informed decisions about who we spend our lives with. Infidelity is one of the most popular items on the menu of a relationship, and if you think you're immune to the possibility that your partner or you may order up a heaping side dish of an affair, or have a slice of encounter-on-the-side for dessert, then you're immune to reality, too.
Well friends, fear not, because there is a natural (albeit scientific) guideline to help you sail through the rough waters of love and friendship. It doesn't guarantee that you'll emerge unscathed or without a scar or two (or ten), nor does it guarantee that you'll stay on the same relation"ship" forever, but it does have a little life secret to unlock for us all. Take enough time in this life to get to know yourself, and I mean REALLY get to know yourself, especially before you make imperitive decisions.
You'll grow and change for the rest of your life, but there is that time between eighteen and thirty where the waves of change are unyielding in the process of establishing some steady equilibrium.Know what's important to you (you may not ever want an equlibrium!), know what you want in someone who you'll spend the rest of your life with, make a list, even! Be totally open and honest with those you spend your time with, especially if you're planning on staying on their ship for the rest of both your lives. Don't take for granted the lessons you learned on other ships either, they're the building blocks of all the life you're living, and don't forget to spend some time alone on the water just enjoying your journey, too. One last "ship" lesson, if you're thinking of jumping ship, make sure the impending tragedy is as serious as you think it is, and give that left hemisphere some time to chill out and rationalize before you put on your life jacket and man the life boats.
Love is out there, and whether it comes in waves forever, or finds a calm in the storm of life, you deserve the very best of the love that YOU experience.
So what do you all think? Am I alone in my "I'm scared for all of us AND our relationships" point of reference, or have my immensely over-thunk-thoughts finally aligned to form some path to rationality?
You be the judge, I'm just here to inspire your thoughts!
Sincerely yours,
A Fabulous State
