If you're a woman and you have managed to go through your entire life without being called a slut, I would like to meet you. The same goes for the companion terms: whore, bitch, skank, hoe etc. I think you get the picture. While the official terminology dates a much earlier period in the history of human existence, one that many of us aren't aware of, such words have been thriving in their evolution within our world. Unfortunately, we have not updated our definitions to reflect the scale upon which they are used today.
Media is absolutely saturated with these words, and they're being uttered by children not old enough to have even heard the terms cross their innocent ears let alone understand what they mean. If there is any such thing as utilizing such heinous terms "correctly", then we as a society have enormously overlooked how.
Reality television has probably been the most significant culprit in propagating the "okay" standard in referring to women in this manner. While I was watching a certain television show and browsing through the internet in general, and Facebook, it really hit home just how dire of a state we've placed the lives of young girls in.
Anything from what you wear, to who you name your friends, to how you conduct yourself intimately or otherwise can earn you the title of being a slut or a whore. On the opposite end of the spectrum, behaving in the "socially accepted" realm of these same categories can still land you on the list. How exactly does a woman win the battle of being referred to in a positive capacity?
The way we've learned to use our vocabulary when it comes to this category, is nothing short of dangerous. Some may be tempted to blame parents, but the reality is that the amount of stimuli a child or adult encounters in the run of a singular day has become so enormous that as a parent or an individual you simply can't filter everything that is experienced. Psychologically, our natural response to this wealth of stimuli is hierarchical, and we categorize and stereotype as a necessary element in our human nature. The paradox lies within HOW we categorize.
While watching an episode of a new MTV series entitled "Savage U" hosted by sex columnist, Dan Savage, one young college girl stood up to ask Dan "If I wear a skimpy outfit is it slutty? And if I make out with a guy at a party, does that make me a slut?" Savage's response was that "Yeah, you might look slutty with that outfit, but who cares? And yeah, some guys might call you a slut, but just don't make out with those ones." He went on to say that girls are not giving it up, they're taking it back (in regard to intimacy). At a first glance it may be unclear what Savage was trying to say, but when you listened further to his response, what he had to communicate was a revolutionary idea in itself. Basically, Savage explained that young women should essentially "take back" the word slut, and start using it in a positive and liberating way. He was saying that there's nothing wrong with a woman taking control of and deciding her own sexual experiences. His idea was that if women everywhere, especially those at college campuses and high schools began using the term in this way, that in time the meaning itself would change, and "Slut" wouldn't be a label to fear, but one to embrace. I have to say that I agree.
We all like to look good. Especially when we go out. Guys gel their hair, wear their favorite hats, new shirts, etc. and girls do their hair and makeup and put on a sexy outfit. Does that transform you into someone who should be labeled and judged? Of course not, but the reality is that's exactly what's happening. Maybe as women, we need to laugh with our girlfriends and decide unanimously that "We're going to look slutty as HELL tonight and we're going to feel good about how confident we are in ourselves!" instead of deciding that it's okay for some guy at a party to label us in a derogatory manner. The age old rule stands, that if a man hooks up with girls (note the plurality), it's great, but if a girl does the same, she's a whore. It's sickening.
You don't need to fulfill anybody else's idea of what you "should" be. Your moral codes and values are established by you and you have every right, within any reasonable measure, to be and do exactly what (or who) for that matter, you want.
I'm not condoning the idea of disrespecting your body or your intelligence through sex or any other medium, but what I am saying is that you should never feel like you've done something "wrong" for growing up, having experiences, and in turn making the mistakes and subsequently having the accomplishments that will shape the beautiful woman you will become. Nobody has the right to flaw that process for you and nothing has ever been so much a part of "life" as becoming comfortable with yourself, who you are, and what you like or dislike. These are all characteristics you determine for yourself, and that entire flowering of YOURSELF should never be jeopardized or restricted by anybody.
I'm just on the cusp of 22, but I can't even begin to imagine having to start fresh from childhood and grow up in the world as it is now. When I see what young boys and girls are watching on television, reading on the internet, or how they are learning to interact with each other, it's a totally different world from the one I lived in as a teenager. When I see something like Jersey Shore, which is a guilty pleasure for many of us, and I really think about it...I imagine how I would NEVER let my son or daughter watch it with my consent. That's not to say they wouldn't find another way to absorb the same ideals, but allowing it? Never.
I'm not a parent yet, but I do believe as a young woman that the best thing to tell parents is to teach your daughters AND your sons to be respectful of themselves, their bodies, their personalities, and to exhibit mannerisms that are respectful towards others. Teach your children to love themselves and be proud of everything they accomplish and to embrace the entire process of getting older and learning about themselves. Instead of fighting the losing battle of shielding them from all the negative, acknowledge it's existence, but exhibit positive examples of how they can conduct themselves differently. Teach them right and wrong if such a thing still exists, because I've never seen anything so distorted and wrong in this world as the way I see women being referred to in the media and in their own lives, and subsequently the way I see young men and women embracing these derogatory ideals.
As a girl or a woman you need to understand that no real man will EVER call you those things. No self respecting, decent MAN will EVER refer to you like that. If he does, then he isn't one, plain and simple. And further to this, he is not worth even one precious second of your beautiful life. As a very wise woman told me, there is NEVER an excuse for what is unacceptable, SELF RESPECT, ALWAYS.
If I could choose one timeless lesson that came from my catholic upbringing, it is that you "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". A dear friend recently said "The most precious gift you can give someone is your time" and if they don't respect and appreciate that time, then there needs to be discipline, and they need to be cut from your life. You only get one shot. This is not only true of intimate relationships, but friendships and all others as well. You need to love and respect yourself before you can do the same for someone else. Love starts with yourself.
As a concluding statement to this rather long winded piece, the sad part is, almost all of us, as women, will have at least one asshole that takes some piece of yourself away from you with nasty words at some time in your life. They're out there, and chances are one will come along. The same is true vise versa for guys, even though this post has been directed toward the ladies. No matter how much you've invested into a relationship of any kind, and regardless of how much you love and care about someone, if it's abusive or unhealthy then you need to put yourself first. You need to remember, as you grow and learn, that you literally have your entire life ahead of you, a completely open road where you draw the map. It is yours, and nobody else's. When you make the decision to take somebody down that road with you, they should be worthy of having that place at your side, and in your life.
Signing off somberly,
Jessica.
